Excuses, excuses

Well, we've had a stressful couple days. Stress=bad food choices for me. I didn't completely fall off the wagon though.

Day 3:
Breakfast- smoothie

Lunch-celery and pb

Snack-banana and a cookie

Dinner-Chinese, specifically, lo mein and orange chicken. I didn't eat the white rice though ;).

Day 4:
Breakfast- blueberry bagel with blueberry cream cheese

Lunch- tuna and carrots

Snack-banana

Dinner-chicken Caesar wrap

And....two pieces of Halloween candy....I need to throw that stuff out.

I've decreased the amount of sugar I eat, and am eating more healthy foods then I did. We are also doing no beef. Man, I am such a steak and cheeseburger girl too. Ugh. Nelson says I'm not eating enough for my metabolism go work as well. I usually have busy mornings and don't think about food so I eat breakfast and nothing until lunch. I've got to get in a healthy morning snack. I'm drinking lots of water. No soda all week!

Clean eating....

Maybe writing it here will hold me accountable.  We are trying to make a lifestyle change, but geez it's hard. Sadly, we eat out a lot. I don't like cooking, and it stresses me out. However, my family is my world and Nelson and I want to get healthy. I was tiny before kids, but never appreciated it...then I was up 10 pounds after the girls...but I was so small before them that I didn't hate how I looked. Then, with Joshua I kept 10 pounds on and then, I lost Anna and gained 10 pounds. Yes, that's 30 pounds more than I was 8 years ago. I do yoyo between 5-10 pounds. I would be ok just getting down to what I was after the girls. My body is different and I just want to feel good in my skin. So, I am determined to get healthy. Nelson has also put on weight since losing Anna. He doesn't get really emotional and I was looking at pictures and noticed his weight gain has been the last two years and he said he thinks it's been the grief of losing her and how sad I have been since 2011. Anna would want us to be here to watch our kids grow. So, I'm hoping we can stick with these healthy choices. The girls are embracing it, but Joshua isn't thrilled. Probably not good that I'm bribing them to eat veggies by telling them they can have a piece of Halloween candy after dinner ;).

Anyone that knows me knows I have the biggest sweet tooth. This clean eating, no sugar diet we were trying to follow worked great yesterday on day 1, but today I had some slip ups. Going to try and be better tomorrow. I am missing soda and tea for the caffeine. Trying to just do only water. Joshua told me today he was going to go look for a healthy snack :). Teaching my kids good choices so it's not hard for them as adults is helping me to do this!  Any healthy recipes anyone wants to share, please do!

Day 1:
Breakfast-smoothie (1/2 a banana, 1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk, handful of spinach, tbsp of pb, and ice)

Snack-water and apple slices

Lunch-1/2 tuna sandwich on whole wheat bread, and carrots

Snack-water and an orange

Dinner- eggs with peppers and bacon

No sweets at all, woo hoo!

Day 2:
Breakfast-smoothie again

Snack-pumpkin muffin....not good

Lunch-tuna, apple

Snack-3 pieces of Halloween candy....not good

Dinner- blt on whole wheat with carrots

Then, I had a cookie...ugh.

Tomorrow is a new day!

Update :)

I want to post all the time about what is going on, the cute things the kids do, daily struggles...then, there's so much going on that I don't get to it! 

The girls had orientation for their religious ed. classes.  In the spring of 2014 they will receive their First Holy Communion.  I get teary eyed whenever I think about it.  Anna and I had talked about this big milestone, and how it would be the next big religious event of the girls that she would be at.  I am hoping I can look forward to their big day and not always look towards it full of pain.

I had such a crazy discussion with Joshua  a couple weeks ago.  We were driving to meet his teachers and I was telling him all about what his school would be like...
Me:Joshua, you'll listen to books, sing songs, play with blocks, play on the playground, eat snack, learn more about Jesus.  Jesus loves you so much!
Joshua:  Jesus is mean.
Me: (I'm driving and I'm rendered speechless for a minute).  I said, what do you mean?!?! 
Joshua:An Nanna (Aunt Anna) heaven.
Me:  You think because Aunt Anna is in heaven with Jesus that Jesus is mean?  (I am shocked he can process all this and is angry and I'm trying my best to keep it together)
Joshua: Yes
Me:  Joshua, I know Mommy gets really sad because I miss Aunt Anna, but heaven is the best place ever! 
Joshua:  Best place ever?
Me:  Yes!  Everyone is SO happy in heaven, and Jesus loves us, and Aunt Anna gets to be with Jesus which is so awesome!
Joshua:I love Jesus, Mommy.
Me: (Still in shock...still holding back lots of tears...grateful to know what Joshua was thinking and very grateful to hear him realize Jesus isn't mean and that he loves Him).

I've noticed most of my posts since losing Anna are about Anna.  It's still a daily struggle for me.  I'm so grateful my kids talk about their Aunt Anna often and love her so much.  Even Joshua who was just one when she passed away has chosen his special lovies as the ones that Anna gave him as a baby.  He knows how special she is to all of us, and is so special to him. 

The girls are doing well with their first year in separate classes.  It was rough for Brianna for the first couple weeks, but she's starting to like it more.  Mikayla would make a great only child and enjoys shining on her own! 

Joshua had his first week of school last week with no tears!  It was a BIG deal! 

Mikayla lost her first tooth!!  Brianna was so excited for her until the anticipation of the tooth fairy at bedtime.  Then, she really wished she had a tooth about to come out!  Hopefully Brianna loses one soon!

Well, that's our recent update...planning 3 special birthdays that will happen in a matter of weeks!!  Can't believe I'm about to be the mom to seven year olds and a 3 year old!  I'm in denial! :)

I'll leave you with a picture of my future Bulls :)

Missing Anna

Missing Anna so much.  I don't want to turn 31.  I want to stay 30...like Anna.  It hurts knowing I will turn 31, and she didn't.  It hurts so much to have another birthday she's not here for.  We LOVED celebrating each other's birthdays.  

Th summer after our 12th birthdays.  We were at each other's 12th birthdays...We have been friends since we were 11...20 years ago.

                                      

Anna and me at Catawba for her 21st birthday...10 year ago.

Anna and Me in Tampa for my 21st birthday...10 years ago.

Anna always made my children's birthdays SO important.  Here she is with her Goddaughter on Brianna's 5th birthday....almost 2 years ago.

I feel like I've been a hermit, and a life once filled with color is bland now.  I try SO hard, especially for my family to give them what they need...but, it's exhausting.  The hurt is so strong, and missing Anna is so hard.  I can't imagine ever losing anyone else.  There are definitely highs and lows.  Some days I'm okay...happy, and life is good...but, Anna was so entwined in my life that I have memories every where, and so it's like a constant ache that never goes away.  It's only been a little over a year, and I don't expect a grief fairy to just sweep on in and heal me...but I sure am praying for the Lord's peace and comfort.  I know it's only through Him that this will get any better.  

Totally not where I expected to go with this post.  I was going to write about politics, and the recent health reform bill (hahaha).  I actually thought about Anna here, because we never really saw eye-to-eye when it came to politics, but she was so gracious about my beliefs and listening and not ever saying how  what I feel is wrong, just letting me know what her view is.  Then, I was going to write about just celebrating my 9 year anniversary last month, and how blessed I feel.  I also was thinking about how I FREAKED out when I saw all the school supplies out in Target.  We are separating the girls for the first time in 1st grade, and I'm way more nervous then them.  Luckily they are both getting used to the idea.  Brianna wants us to practice "alone school"...hahaha :).  Not to mention my boy will be away from me for the first time besides being with my mom or sister (only 2 days of preschool in the morning)!  YIKES!  Maybe I'll get into all those topics another time...too emotionally exhausted after the way this post went.  I am a better person for knowing Anna and being a part of her family.  (Brianna actually said today Mommy it's like you have 5 sisters and 3 brothers...Aunt Cortney, Aunt Anna, Aunt Sara, Aunt Alison and Aunt Alison and Uncle Ricky, Uncle Joe, and Uncle Kyle).  Oh, she is right.  I'm grateful for my chosen family and real family :).  Anna Katherine will forever have such a special part in my heart and I hope we can celebrate birthdays in heaven...because that will be an amazing celebration one day.  

Too long...

It's been so long since my last post.  So much happened in May.

Nelson and I went to NYC.  It was wonderful.  We spent time with Kyle and Robert, and got to enjoy things and friends they love in their city.

There was a flood in our master bedroom while we were away that just this week was finally completely taken care of...had to have a disaster relief person out and drywall, carpet, baseboards all removed, and then get it all replaced.  Glad that's done!

My dear friend welcomed her baby girl into the world, and then a couple hours later had to say good bye as her daughter joined Jesus.  So, my family packed up and went to NC to honor her daughter, and so I could be there for her.  I can't go to NC and not see Anna's family and visit where she is laid to rest so we did that too.

My girls completed their first year of elementary school, and are now first graders!  They are reading, and writing, and love learning!  I'm so proud of everything they have learned this year!  Earlier in May they had their gymnastics exhibition, and we were so proud watching them on the beam, bars, floor routine, doing jumps.  We loved how proud they were of themselves throughout the exhibition.

My baby boy is inching more and more to full on preschooler!  He's out of his crib, and in a big boy bed!  Nelson and I enjoyed choosing his furniture, and getting his room ready.  We still need to hang things on the wall, and I have some bookshelves, I'm hoping to do, and some frames to paint, but I'm so happy with how it's turning out.

nursery before

other side of the room

Joshua's last night in his crib!

new color, and big boy furniture!

Joshua loves his basketball themed big boy room!

My sweet sweet boy!

We still have to potty train and get rid of the paci...hopefully both will be done by the time he's 3 in October!    So, in a nutshell, that was our May...very very busy, and the summer has started.  We head to Orlando tomorrow to start the summer off right.....heated pools, and Disney!  Lots of rain, and not enough of sun has made our pool too cold to use still!  The kids are excited, and the summer will be full of lots of wonderful memories for my precious three.  I look forward to sharing more frequently about what is going on :).

Good reminder

I read a post that my neighbor wrote the other day, and it made me fear for my children's health and safety. My neighbor's son who has a twin sister is seven, and has cancer. He will be in chemo for 2.5 years. I hear about bad things happening every day. This world is really scary. I was reading my friend, Erin's blog, and she posted a verse that was helpful. "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today brings enough troubles of its own." Matthew 6:34. This was just what I needed to hear. I tend to worry about everything. I try to take on everything, and worry instead of giving it to God.

I prayed that night hard for everything, for my kids to stay healthy and safe, for them to outlive me, just everything. I feel kind of selfish when I worry about issues that arise with my children when their overall health is wonderful. I know though that for my individual child that whatever they are dealing with is important, but I also am so grateful that these are the things that worry us and cause us concern. God brought peace to my heart the next morning. Joshua has some speech concerns, and when I awoke after worrying so much about my kids Joshua was saying some words with the right annunciation that just days earlier he was saying incorrectly. We went grocery shopping and he rattled off everything I put into the cart correctly. He still has a long way to go, but it was so comforting to hear him speak so clearly when that's been worrying me so much.

Some of my favorites from today:

Going to the Disney store and hearing Joshua exclaim, "I'm so happy!". He loves running in and snuggling all his favorite stuffed characters!

His favorite melt my heart statement he makes now is, "Mommy, I need you". He says this often, and it gets me every time. It's his out of his crib card, his you don't need to eat anymore card, his stop cleaning up to join mommy card. He's a total final baby of the house and gets away with too much!

The girls are getting so big now, but luckily still need snuggles just as much as when they were little. Today they were tired from school and a play date at the park with friends, and were starting to get grumpy. I told them they needed mommy love, and they perked up and cuddled with me once we got home and went from grumpy to happy. It doesn't always work this way, but when it does it's so fulfilling. Like I'm all they need to feel better. It's the best confidence booster out there!

Disney with Sara and her family tomorrow...can't wait!! A field trip for my girlies on Monday! Life is good and when it gets hard don't worry about tomorrow!

Love

I feel like I'm good at love. I know pain, and I don't like it...and I know how to take painful moments and make them meaningful. I went through a lot when I was little, that most littles shouldn't/don't go through. Don't get me wrong. I have wonderful parents, and my mom tells me I taught her what love is. I did have a good childhood...but, there were painful times. Through those painful times I grew, and I made it my mission to love hard, and to never give up on those I love.

Sometimes loving so much is hard. Mostly though, it's good. It's rewarding, and fills my heart, and I hope I am filling other's hearts. I will fight tooth and nail for the people I love, and I'm so grateful for the family and friends I have.

Well, today, I honored Anna like it was my job. There were tears, okay...at some points sobs, but, I also laughed telling funny stories about my memories with Anna. I smiled as I watched my kids and my best friend, Sara's son, jump waves.

I dressed my kids for a day about Aunt Anna. Brianna in a pink tee with hearts, and Mikayla in a green tee with hearts (Anna's favorite colors), and Joshua was in a shirt with a pterodactyl...Nelson and Anna had the funniest pterodactyl impression. Me? I had a shirt with a heart and a beach scene. Perfect, huh?

I found these pink roses with a tint of green in them. Anna's favorite! I went in the laundry room to get a vase, and I pulled down the one with a cross...Anna sent it with beautiful flowers when we lost our baby. It was gut wrenching putting flowers in the vase that she sent because she was mourning my baby with me, and now here I am mourning her for the past year.

Sara, Dan and Evan came over and we ordered Hawaiian pizza...Anna and my favorite pizza. We then went to the beach. We attempted to send up sky lanterns...but apparently me, and sky lanterns don't mix well. It was too windy and we couldn't get it lit, or going the right direction. So, we jumped waves the way Anna's Granddaddy did with her, and Anna did with my girls. The girls helped Evan and Joshua and will teach them about jumping waves, and carry on this tradition. Anna showed us she was with us when there was a dolphin so close to shore that popped up. We watched it for awhile in awe. The kids were soaked head to toe, and I didn't even mind. We were honoring Anna, and Anna would have loved it. I hope she's able to see us from heaven.

I love how my family has traditions, and we have fun all the time. I love how my children knows what matters. I love how honoring their Aunt Anna was a special time, and that this is something that we will continue to do, and I hope when my kids have kids they continue this. It's not a tradition I ever would want, but it is what it is, and there is NO way I will ever let Anna's memory get lost. So, honoring her in this tradition, and sharing with my family memories, and things she loves will continue. Every day I talk about Anna to my kids, and even Joshua who lost his Aunt Anna at just 17 months old knows who his Aunt Anna is. Always choose love. A very difficult first anniversary ended with joy and love for Anna. We miss her so much, and are so grateful for all her love and memories that will fill us for a lifetime.